Another week of not so great news. There's a great possibility that Tyler will lose his right kidney. We're not 100% sure at this point but his doctor is leaning towards this decision. Another round of tests in the next few weeks to make sure his other kidney is strong enough to withstand being on it's own.
My heart sunk when the doctor gave us the news. I thought, maybe another surgery to correct but to remove the kidney completely? Even as I write this, I'm still in disbelief.
I want to hide in a deep dark cave, my safe place. I want to push everyone away, even my own husband. This is my normal go to defense when something bad comes up, this being the worse situation we've ever had to deal with in our 20 some years of being together. Even worse than the many years of infertility.
I know there are far more worse situations we could be in right now. I think of our close friend whose nephew who is fighting cancer. Or the room we walked by in the children's hospital with the baby hooked up to multiple monitors, fighting to survive.
Fact is, I can't hide. Not like I use to before Tyler. I have to be braver than I ever have, for him. Always for him. I've learned to turn fear into sometime more fierce. Maybe that's just my super hero mom strength. Maybe it's my faith. Maybe it's the support I'm learning to receive gratefully. Whatever the reason, it's there and it's keeping us going, together.
I know in my heart that everything will be ok. Just keep swimming. (is that enough Pinterest inspired quotes for you?)