what the hey?

I will update tomorrow. I will update tomorrow. I will update tomorrow. I will update tomorrow.

Well, maybe a tiny update now..........creative stuff will come tomorrow.

I have to say that for the first time, in long awhile, that I feel very balanced. Things look brighter, more clearly. I had had enough of the sullen girl within me. My last doctors apt in May was the turning point. I had confided this with a few women but not on my blog. The last apt where I was told I was perfectly healthy and fully able to get pregnant. J too. 2 years had gone by with no success and my doctor simply said nothing was wrong. The words were so easy for her say but terrible for me to hear. I, in some way, wanted something to be wrong. As bad as that sounds, it would be an answer. I had enough. Enough counting days, keeping track on several calendars. Markings and specific feelings in each little square. Done. I had enough of waiting for the 28th too see if I had spotted or wonder if the queasy feeling in my stomach was morning sickness or the anxiousness of wondering if this would be the month. The uneasy feeling I got when someone would ask if we had children yet. Done with it all.

This particular day was the day of change. I was a little confused. The doctors words still in my head...nothing's wrong with you....it hurt how easily she spoke them. Everything that I hated about myself and my life was about to change. With the guidance of God and knowing that I am fully capable of choosing my path, I turned back from the road I was on and a little by little, it was easier to breath.

I confided to my brother's fiance about this ordeal. At this point I hadn't told them anything, not the struggle or the hurt. She was pregnant and already the mother to beautiful little girl. I didn't want her to think that her happiness was my pain. But she is so trusting and loving, I couldn't help but feel weak in a sense and tell her everything.  I told her that maybe, just maybe the one and only answer to all this was that I was not meant to be a mother. She disagreed with my theory like everyone else and said something that brought tears to my eyes. Something I cannot write now because, well, I'm blogging at work and I really don't want to break down like an idiot at my desk. But it touched me so deeply. Again, I could feel change.

I started a new path. A path without worry or fear of the unknown. I trust my renewed self. It all feels so right. Nothing completely drastic. No one else has really noticed a great change in me. How could they? I defend my privacy a great deal and only truly trust a handful of people. But this isn't about how I'm perceived. It's about being healthy, inside and out. It's about my sanity. 

My "healthy" diet is going surprisingly well. I'm halfway to my goal weight. I was delighted to have to go and buy a pair a jeans a size smaller this past weekend. My other "too tight" jeans were now to big. It's been easy. I haven't deprived myself of any treats like the ultra sweet cake at the baby shower I attended Sunday. And when I was asked by the grandmother of my brothers fiance whether or not I had children of my own, I answered with a genuine smile and replied no. And that was it. Life went on. No crushing feeling in my chest or tears welling in my eyes. That is when I realized the true change within me.

And that brings me to the whole conception thing. As of now, it's out of my mind. No, really. I'm not counting days. I haven't since May. It use to frighten me not knowing if I was ovulating or not. I'm taking the advice of some women who had gone through the same ordeal. I never thought it would be possible but keeping my mind buried in books, working out, just enjoying what life has to offer me now....it's all made it easy. I still have bad days that mostly consist of bitter coworkers or the kid that felt the need to cut me off in his big wheeled truck while driving home. But it passes. It doesn't fester and turn into the usual mess.

I'm shuddering at the thought that this may all sound way too deep and personal. My cursor is now on the delete post key. But no, I want this to be noted. I want to look back at this and remember the moment of clarity.

Simply put....it's all good.
Take care,
Tina