I will never forget the struggle.

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I've been meaning to write this post since I first became pregnant.
I know there are still quite a few of you who have followed my blog and who have shared the same path of struggling with infertility.
Even though I'm pregnant now after 4 years of trying, I will never forget the struggles and heartache and the whole self discovery process infertility has brought me, not to mention what's it's done for our marriage.

With so many pregnancy announcements, I know they are bittersweet.
I know the feeling. You're happy for that person but.... not that happy.
I'm not sure what the right thing to say to you at this point since I am pregnant now. I hated the usual "hang in there, it'll happen", "try not to think about it, and poof, it'll just happen". Yeah right.
I did try that and you know what? It didn't work, not for me at least.
What I can offer is some insight as to why I think it happened for me this year.
Of course I did have an IUI. I had no major issues, did all the testing and was basically put into the "unexplained category". Very helpful (said with the utmost sarcasm)
We decided 3 IUI's at the most. Then it was time for another path.
When the 3rd came along, I had done a lot of soul searching and crying and came to the conclusion that I was ready to give up on conceiving. What I was not going to give up on was becoming a mother.
I had plans to meet with a woman who had adopted a baby from China. She would share her contacts and fill me in on the process. My husband and I were set on making the journey East to bring home a child.
I was completely and totally content with our decision.
So when I lay on the table, knees in the air, I felt at peace. That was so different than my last IUI's.
I wondered and hoped and prayed I would get pregnant where as this last procedure, I lied there, reading Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential (Jamaica's book recommendation) and waited for the nurse to come in to tell me I could leave. Of course I said a little prayer and left it in God's hands.
I feel know the combination of being content and at peace with my outcome no matter what it would be, played a huge part in my pregnancy. I fully trusted my future and his plans. No doubt what so ever.
I know that sounds easy but it's not for a woman who has been trying to conceive for so long.
But through this journey, I have learned a great deal about myself.
For one, I'm secure in the woman that I am today.
I know it's ok to let go and cry and to show weakness.
I learned to lean on others. That was so hard for me to do.
I learned how to pick myself up after falling hard.
I love my husband more now than I ever have before. He has been the biggest support and overall comfort.
I learned to not only stay positive for a short amount of time but to embrace only positive thinking as a whole. I still have days where I'm a grump, I'm not even going to front about that.
And I'm not going to act like an spokesperson for infertility. I know there are those who have been through far more painful procedures and have tried for many, many years.
This is just my story.
Don't give up, just let go.

(photo via Kind Over Matter)