truths continued.

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(my little brother who's not so little anymore. :) winter '09)


Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

ooh. this one's a toughie. how do you answer such a question and not dig deep into your emotions?
also wondering if this is something I want to tackle first thing Monday morning.
why not.

I've been holding onto a certain guilt since I moved out of my parents house when I was 17. It was the summer before I started my senior year of high school. Without getting into too much detail, things were not good with my home life and the new situation my brother and I were put into. It was overwhelming for me and I didn't like the person I was becoming. So I left and moved in with Jeff who is now my husband. I don't feel guilty about leaving home. I held a job and supported myself while I finished my last year of high school. I have to say it was quite fun to be on my own.
What I feel guilty about was leaving my little brother to deal with the "new" and at the time, unwelcome circumstances. I feel like this put a wedge between us because we were so close before. Having my mom leave, then me. We're still close but I'll never get back those few years I was gone, trying to find myself. I want to forgive myself for that. If I wanted to be well mentally, I had to remove myself from that time and place. I cannot hold onto the guilt of leaving him there. I was still there for him. He would come to visit my crappy apartment and spent the night a few times. And he knows that I will always be there for him. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He's become such a great man and he's so good to his wife and kids.
I'm so proud of him. His daughter and I are extremely close and this time next year, he'll be babysitting my little man.
It's definitely time to let go and forgive myself.
I sigh a deep breath of relief and it's done.

xot

ps...Barb had a great idea about including a self portrait to go along with my truths. I'm going to adapt that and post a photo related to the day's truth. I wish I prepared a little more for this one and included a photo of us when we were younger but this will have to do.